I'm feeling like I losing my connection to Connor more and more. Maybe it's that we are past a year, and the harshness of it all is dimming ever-so-slightly. Maybe the harshness of our ragged emotional states held him closer to us, and we felt him more before all the "firsts" were in the past.
Whatever it is, I don't like it one bit. There are times when a day is tough, or I have a particularly hard nut to crack either at home or with work, and last year I felt as though I would reach out to him through my thoughts and my achy heart, and my solutions would appear. That's not happening now. It's not that I don't want to work for the things I get - I absolutely work for them! But when they go askew, it felt like I had him pushing it back in place invisibly last year, and now I don't. And that just sucks.
Yesterday, when I opened the mail we had an invitation to a tree planting ceremony at his old elementary school. The class made the invitations themselves - small paintings of trees, with a green swing hanging from a branch. The goal is for a tree that will grow large enough to hang his old swing from for the FLS students who attend the school. It's simply beautiful and perfect. And I know I will cry continually through the planting. But we'll take pictures and post something about it.
Wondering about all those other trees out there that were planted in Connor's honor - send me pictures if you have them!
1 comment:
Sending love, Colleen. I understand this feeling. Not because of the loss of a child, but because of the loss of a parent when I was young. I can tell you, however, that 26 years later, I have not forgotten. I remember. I never forget. They never leave. Know that.
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