Wednesday, January 28, 2015


Lee and I have been trying to plan for this weekend.  Most everyone is afraid to even mention it to us, and that makes sense but please don't be afraid.  Life is too short to be afraid.  Speak up and say the wrong thing but acknowledge it.  It's all good as long as you do that.

I said, we have to have enough food for the family visiting at mealtimes.  He said, "Let's just make a giant puree and serve that."

I said, we'll pour a little off for our homey, and Lee broke down.  It was meant as a joke, because we had to puree all of Connor's food, but instead it fell sideways across Lee and upset him.  Even we say the wrong thing to each other.  So I said, Honey, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to upset you.  

So as a reminder to you all out there - house is open for visits this weekend.  Bring seeds for new life if you want.  Bring a memory of him, or of our friendship, or of something really, really funny.  We all need to laugh, even in our sorrows.

Hope to see you this weekend.

Friday, January 16, 2015

The Final First is almost here...

The anniversary is nigh.  We simultaneously dread it and look forward to it.  It will make things easier when we don't have the thought "This is the first time since..." in our heads whenever we do anything.  We've gone on trips.  We've had all the birthdays.  We've made our slow and steady progress.  One of my friends told me today that we have been soldiering on, and he's right.  It's a long, difficult march with pack on our backs that is the heaviest invisible thing ever.

And since time marches on, we do too.

In a few weekends, it will be the anniversary of Connor's passing.  We've decided to proceed like this: If you want to come to see us on January 31 or February 1, please do.  We aren't planning anything formal, but our house, our hearts and our arms will be open.  There will be drinks and snacks here.  Stop by, sit with us, if you feel compelled.

Don't bring anything.  Especially lasagna.  We want to see you.  If your parents raised you to believe in the deepest fabric of your soul that you cannot show up empty handed, then please bring a seed for his garden.  In the spring, we'll refresh his garden and inter his cremains there, and we want it to be beautiful and full of love.  If you bring a seed, I promise it will get planted and cared for as best as we possibly can, and that he will be a part of that plant.  Flowers, bulbs, butterfly bushes, anything decorative.

Well, maybe if you felt like it, you could also bring doughnuts.  I mean, who doesn't love doughnuts, and we'll probably want the comfort food.  And if you are a part of my family, since the 1st is Super Bowl Sunday, if you felt inclined to bring the original, correct ingredients for Chip Mix, then we'll have something to nosh while we watch the big game.

Thanks again, everyone, for everything.

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

So What Now?

It's cold.  There's about five inches of powdery snow on the ground outside, and a projection that we won't break above the freezing mark until Friday at best.

It feels a LOT like last year.  I do not want to feel like last year.

We're almost a year in, and I'm beginning to wonder...what next?  What do I do next? Other than the day-to-day cleaning, feeding, caring, working normal stuff?

Some people have suggested I keep writing, and expand into a book or other creative endeavor.  In my fertile imagination, I see me at the end result, and it looks accomplished.  I mean, it looks like I have satisfied myself with an accomplishment.


None.  Zilch.  Idea-free zone here around me.

I know a lot of creative people, both in spirit and in practice.  Share your ideas with me, please, and maybe you can lay a stepping stone down that will help me get from where I am to accomplishment.