Sunday, May 17, 2015

Invisible Hands

I'm feeling like I losing my connection to Connor more and more.  Maybe it's that we are past a year, and the harshness of it all is dimming ever-so-slightly.  Maybe the harshness of our ragged emotional states held him closer to us, and we felt him more before all the "firsts" were in the past.

Whatever it is, I don't like it one bit.  There are times when a day is tough, or I have a particularly hard nut to crack either at home or with work, and last year I felt as though I would reach out to him through my thoughts and my achy heart, and my solutions would appear.  That's not happening now.  It's not that I don't want to work for the things I get - I absolutely work for them!  But when they go askew, it felt like I had him pushing it back in place invisibly last year, and now I don't.  And that just sucks.

Yesterday, when I opened the mail we had an invitation to a tree planting ceremony at his old elementary school.  The class made the invitations themselves - small paintings of trees, with a green swing hanging from a branch.  The goal is for a tree that will grow large enough to hang his old swing from for the FLS students who attend the school.  It's simply beautiful and perfect.  And I know I will cry continually through the planting.  But we'll take pictures and post something about it.

Wondering about all those other trees out there that were planted in Connor's honor - send me pictures if you have them!

1 comment:

DianeCG said...

Sending love, Colleen. I understand this feeling. Not because of the loss of a child, but because of the loss of a parent when I was young. I can tell you, however, that 26 years later, I have not forgotten. I remember. I never forget. They never leave. Know that.