Today, the calendar tells me it's been 8 months. It's such a strange feeling: sometimes it feels as though it just happened, and the shock washes back over me like that one rogue wave the comes up high on the sand where you built the castle, thinking it would last much longer that was, but gets wiped out by chance. Sometimes, it's feels as though it has been forever since I snuggled him, or fed him some food that he enjoyed (black beans were a major favorite). Like he's been gone for years. How did that big void get filled with other "things" so quickly?
Earlier this week, I was working on a letter game with Tucker, where he has to identify the letter on the card, tell us the sound it makes, and then a word that starts with it. He had the letter, "a", which he correctly identified and produced the sounds for. But he was stumped on the word. I gave him a clue, "The people in heaven are..." and he promptly and confidently said, "Brothers."
The interior me was gulping for air.
The exterior me said, "Well, of course, but I was thinking more of their special wings and halos." Eventually, I had to give him the word, angels.
This week is Drew's birthday. He'll be 8. In one more year and 2 days, he'll be 9. In two more years and two days, he'll have lived longer than his older brother. When he was born, we survived the first 6 weeks of his life watching him like a hawk, desperate to notice anything that seemed to echo Connor's behavior that was most likely a descent into his condition. It was harrowing and exhausting, and ultimately unnecessary. Now I worry - will he be thinking about his age as he gets closer to the age where his older brother died? I will be, but I'm Mom, I'm inclined to overthink things. I feel sorry for Drew as he's an oldest by accident, and has to be our guinea pig for so many events and occurrences. We didn't worry as extensively about Tucker as a newborn. Will I worry as much in 4.5 years when he is about to turn 10? What memories of Connor will Tucker have by then? We talk a lot about him to help Tucker remember, and Drew too (though Drew's memory is sharp and long, and I don't think it will be as difficult for him).
Aw, crap. As Pastor John said at the service, sometimes, it just sucks. This? It sucks. Every single day.