Warts and All

I bet you were all wondering...when is she gonna write? The anniversary just passed by us, and nothing on the blog.

Well, it's been a really rough year so far. And the year is only 37 days old. I write less often now because it feels redundant and I don't think I have new things to say, and I don't want to waste a reader's time. But here's the reality: things have been really hard, and I don't want to write that it's hard because I feel that you come here to read about strength.

So, anyway, there you have it. I'm going to make an effort to be more authentic on this blog this year, which means that you get me warts and all.

So, one of my boys is really having a hard time. It's not easy being the parent of a special needs child who cannot care for him- or herself. It's also not easy being a parent of a fully capable neurotypical child who cannot or will not behave himself. It's staggeringly draining, physically and emotionally (and occasionally financially). It's hard to not lose your temper all the time when he is being difficult just to be goddamn difficult. Just so that we will see him. Why doesn't he realize that we see him all the time. ALL THE TIME. We're actually pretty good about parental technology around them. We try to draw lines, abide by our own rules. Sometimes we can't, but we usually do.

And yet...no credit is given.

On top of that, I've had several friends lose parents recently, and we've come to realize that we are entering that shifty, ugly period of our lives where there are no more weddings to attend, but an increasing number of funerals.

And on top of that, it's a slow start business-wise this year. That's really not a terrible thing other than it's terrifying.

But today marks 4 years since I stood up in front of a standing-room only church and said my public good-bye to Connor. We still speak to him as we feel it needed. Last week, the night of the "anniversary," Jack the dog had a dream that caused him to try to bark in his sleep. This almost never occurs, and never at night. This time, it was at night, before we feel asleep. I thought to myself, 'Is that Connor reaching out to us again?'   And then Lee said out loud, "It's like Connor is saying hello."

Weird, right?

In the meantime, the future keeps falling upon us, taking us further away from the time when Connor was with us. Pushing us towards the time when our parents may not be with us any more. We all have time on this Earth, but sometimes, it feels like time is the greatest thief of them all.