I cannot sleep.
There are too many words in my head, and they will not be quiet.
It's almost 2:00 am on the day after Connor died, and I can still hear the words of my husband, and my children, and the police, and the doctors and nurses at the hospital, and all the dear, dear people we spoke to today, who saw our phone numbers pop up on their phones and said to themselves, "Oh, cool, it's Colleen/Lee. I haven't spoken with them in ages." and flipped open their phones and we proceeded to break their hearts. Our mothers. Our fathers. Our sisters and brothers. Our in-laws. Our friends.
We could not have gotten here today without all you. Each of you. Even while I sit here, slowly leaking out all that is in me, I am inhaling and exhaling. I am laughing while I'm crying. Connor was good. He was the best kind of good you could ever know. And he just doesn't have to fight any more.
He's been fighting for so long, and I am filled with gratitude that he is with God now, and with all our family and friends who went before him. I am filled with gratitude for everyone who has helped him and us. I am filled with gratitude that there will be not a single day more that I will have to worry about him. I miss him, but I have already heard his voice tonight, and know that the light I still have in my heart is his light.
I sat with Drew tonight and we talked a good talk about this. We'd never really prepared our other children for this. It was scary, and I apologized to him for scaring him. And then we named all the things Connor can do now. Running around. Telling jokes. Playing piano. I asked him if he thought Connor would be playing with Legos now. He smiled widely and said, Yes. What's his favorite set, Drew?
Drew and Tucker Legos, Mom.
Even with him gone, Drew knows that his brother wants to play with them and now he can.
I imagine I will be quiet here for a while, all. I will reply to you when I can, and I will think of you a lot. If you are thinking of us, please come by. Our doors will always be open, and we welcome the company. It helps me to know how far the love reaches out from Connor to the world. For a child of such limitations, the love that came to him was limitless, and I don't think a single person who met him didn't fall immediately in love with him.
I just cannot believe today.