But you keep it all inside...

Today, the boys and I had to take Lee to the airport and send him away for 5 days this morning.  I acted fine, but I was internally very nervous and a little edgy about it.  I remember when I was young my father traveled a lot for work, and it was normal for him to be away.  Lee and I have each had numerous business trips over the course of our careers.  No bigs.  Except this will be the longest that I have spent away from him since Connor died, and what it reminds me of is the week we spent together after he left, where we didn't spend more than 30 minutes away from each other.  Our internal workings kept up in very close proximity.  I can't speak for him, but I didn't want to do ANYTHING far from him.  I don't like him being so far away now.

But we tried to make it normal, and went about things.  After work, I came home, felt accomplished, made dinner, we ate together.  Lee FaceTimed in to show us a puppy (ADORABLE in case you were wondering).

I went to put this kids to bed, and grabbed my phone because it chirped.  It said to me that Robin Williams had died.

How weird that I feel so affected by this.  It's not as though I would have listed him as a favored actor.  He's definitely not a favored stand-up comedian. I appreciated his art, and he was really good at what he did, and he took it seriously and he wanted to be so, so, so good.  He worked at it.  He did what many comedic actors did - took the funny roles until he was permitted to prove his range with dramatic ones.

I went to see Billy Joel recently, and he was amazing.  He is 65.  I saw Seinfled 2 nights ago, and he was hilarious.  He is 60.

Robin Williams was just between them age-wise, and plagued by addiction.  I don't know why it's hitting me so hard, but it is.  I am sad to see the artist who created Mork, Mrs. Doubtfire, the Genie, and so many other wonderful, life-filled characters sad and broken and gone.  The Birdcage, where he was so full, and truly engaged fully in his character.  For most of the movie, you aren't thinking "Oh, I'm watching Robin Williams" as you could so easily in many of his roles (the exception is this scene, which is wonderful https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5TQ4GF8rNI).  And that 20 second moment of ROBIN WILLIAMS ends with him saying "But you keep it all inside."  It's definitely a funny moment, but those words now: But You Keep It All Inside.

Many of is keep it all inside, and see what it can do to you?  I was letting fear that I kept inside shield me from enjoying these days with my boys, challenging though they may be.  The boys or the days - take your pick.  I'm not creating art with this life, though there is some art to it.  I am helping my sons create their lives, and keeping it all inside is going to show them the wrong attitude in my opinion.  Yes, of course they need to learn appropriate behaviors, and social norms, and all the things that will help them grow into fully functioning, contributing members of society.  Naturally.  But they also need to learn to speak for what they believe in, and that keeping it all inside won't necessarily mean that they have excellent self-control.

It's time for some big girl pants.  Daddy went on a trip.  Yes, we all miss him.  He'll be home soon, though.  So let's live some while he's gone, and not keep it all inside.

Sorry.  I know this blog isn't about famous people dying (though my family will tell you that part of my 1/5 that I contribute is, in fact, celebrity deaths); it's about my son, and his death, and my reaction to it, and to a certain degree, my family's reaction.  I'll go back to topic soon.  Tonight, I'm going to have a drink to our Captain, who when I was in high school told his students to rip pages out of their textbooks and experience poetry and life in their hearts and minds, to stand on their desks to gain a new perspective.  The movie, featuring my friends, classmates, and filmed in my home state.  I loved it (and was sad not to have the chance to be in it).  Thank you, boys.  Thank you.