To do

I usually have a long "to do" list.  I love lists.  They keep me honest.

The things that never made it to my list were the things I had to do to make sure Connor was cared for properly at home.  I mean, picking up the needed prescriptions - always on the list.  Food - check.  But the feeding and care of him - that was just assumed into my day, like my own eating and washing, or even just breathing and blinking.

Now, there's this huge amount of time that is not dedicated to feeding him.  From starting to prepare his food until he'd consumed it all could take up to an hour.  That's three hours.  Changing his diaper was 5-10 minutes a pop.  Giving him a shower was 30 minutes.  The younger boys learned and adapted to this - now they don't need this attention from me or Lee.  They don't want us hovering over them.  I'm damned by my own desire to raise children who can operate independently.  Universe - not funny.

Today is something like the 10th snow day of 2014.  I sat on the sofa for about 30 minutes, staring at the pictures in my living room, nothing to do.  The boys didn't need me.  Connor doesn't need me anymore.  How do I fill this time?  Sitting around is not the right way.  Going outside is abhorrent right now.  I want to nap, but that will guarantee that someone needs me.  So I blog.  And I print out photos of the boys for Drew in his room at his request.  I get emails from clients who help me refocus.

Time to make a list for today.  And maybe, time to make a list for how to fill those spaces meaningfully.  It's no good for anyone to have empty time.  Connor's passing gave us the gift of time, and I have to use it well in his honor.  Anything less is unacceptable.