Since last I wrote, Tucker has turned six. The boys are growing up. They ask me to tell them stories of when they were little more often than not which in and of itself is hilarious because they ARE little.
They especially love the stories of the days they were born. On the morning of Tucker's birthday, he asked me to tell him about the day that he was born, and then Drew. As I told the story of Drew, I told them for the first time how I lost my nerve completely on the OR table (emergency C-Sec #2!) and had to be reprimanded by my doctor for delaying delivery because I was crying too hard. Drew looked over from the Legos he was building and said, "Why were you crying?"
"I was scared." I said.
"You were scared I was going to be like Connor." It was sort of a question, but more of a statement. He "got it" much earlier than we expected him to. I told him that was correct. I was afraid of that. He then turned the morning around by throwing his hands in the air and yelping, "But I'm PERFECTLY NORMAL!!!!" which actually isn't entirely the truth...but that's okay too.
More importantly, he is starting to understand Lee and I better when it comes to our constantly conflicting emotions about Connor. He managed everything with a lot of grace around the internment of Connor's cremains. Tucker didn't fare so well. He cried a lot in the days leading up to it, and he asked me at one point when "Connor will grow back after we plant him?" Oh, my little buddy...I wish you could understand better. When we stood in the garden, and held his urn in our hands for the last time, Tucker put his hand out, touched the urn, and said in a small voice, "Bye, Connor." It got everyone. Not a dry eye in the place. Now he looks at the flowers and plants and talks about his brother making it beautiful. Maybe he gets it better than all of us - for him it's still very A leads to B leads to C. Life isn't that way, but in his young years, it is.
Anyway, it's been very busy (which is good) work-wise, so apologies for the lack of entries. There were a few weeks where I never had a moment's rest!
